1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,800 This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature. 2 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,800 - Jill, where's Abigail? - Morning, Jill. How are you? 3 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:12,400 Oh yes, sorry. Morning, Jill. 4 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,320 Is Abigail OK? 5 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,280 I think she's having a little run around 6 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:17,960 outside actually, Cath, in her basket. 7 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:21,560 Run around! Who's in charge of her? 8 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:24,280 Bruce, I think. Yeah. 9 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,560 Getting his practice in for D-Day. 10 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,240 Well, B-Day. 11 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:29,840 Well, B and J-Day. 12 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,920 I don't mean blow-job, Cath, 13 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:33,920 although he is quite partial. 14 00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,080 Jill, d'you know anything about this? 15 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:41,360 I found it in bed last night with 16 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,600 some forks. Oh, Cath. 17 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,920 This is what happened to Sylvia Plath. 18 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,680 No no. 19 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,720 I'm just so tired, Jill. 20 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,360 I just need some sleep. 21 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,120 I love you, Kath. 22 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:06,800 Okey-dokey. 23 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,880 Oh! 24 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:20,880 Oh, golly. Thank you very much. 25 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,280 CATHY! 26 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:45,560 Sorry, Cath. 27 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,120 I'm sorry. 28 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,800 I thought you'd passed over. 29 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,240 No, I'm absolutely fine, Jill. 30 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:15,040 "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard 31 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:18,640 C'mon get it on 32 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:21,440 with a radar phone 33 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,520 Like a video vamp 34 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,520 Can I be your man? 35 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,560 a little light 36 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,400 Go all night... 37 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,960 Do you want a little top-up with your sausages, Don? 38 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,760 No, thanks. 39 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:47,960 There you go. 40 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:53,720 Hello. Please don't start with the sniping, Bruce. Morning. 41 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:57,600 Morning, Cath. Hello. Lazy bones. 42 00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,920 Hi, Don. Morning. 43 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,360 Oh! 44 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:03,880 Right on the nose. 45 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,840 - OK with your sausages there, Don? - Yes, they're lovely. 46 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,760 Good, lovely. Bruce, are you OK? 47 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,240 Very excited about my breakfast this morning! 48 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,080 Mrs Rumbly Tum! 49 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,800 All right, Cath. 50 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,720 Coming up. This is not the Savoy! 51 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,320 I'm all right. I'm all right, Don. 52 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,560 It's OK. It's just the baby lashing out. I'll be OK. 53 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:51,760 I'll get on with your breakfast, Cath. Thank you, Jill. Oh-h-h... 54 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:06,120 Floella Umgababe. 55 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,280 - She's not here today. Sorry. - Can I take a message? 56 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,520 I'M Floella Umgababe. 57 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,640 There we are, then. For her ladyship. 58 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,160 Oh, thank you, Jill. 59 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,440 Just thinking of your figure, Cath. 60 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,760 I'll just soggy up your rusk a bit. 61 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:29,560 There we are. Donny. 62 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,560 There we go. OK, everybody set? 63 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,080 Lovely. 64 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:48,160 - This is a good bit. - What are we watching? 65 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,920 It's just your birth, Cathy. Oh goodness! I just thought cos these lot missed it. 66 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,600 < SCREAMING 67 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,000 He doesn't want to look at his mother's 68 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,040 privates over his crunchy nuts! 69 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,640 I wish we'd shaved you, Cath. 70 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,400 BABY CRIES 71 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,960 Abigail, darling. 72 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:09,680 She's fine, Cathy. Are you all right, darling? Jill, it's fine. 73 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,720 I've got her, thank you. 74 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:14,480 Support the head, Cathy. Support the head, Cathy! 75 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,360 - I know, Jill. Thank you, Jill. - Support her at all times. 76 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,960 - She's fine, I know. - I've had two already. 77 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,760 There we are. Are you OK, Abigail? 78 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:27,120 Come on. 79 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:30,120 - Come on, sweetie. - She's not locking on, is she, Cathy? 80 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,920 No, she's not locking on. 81 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,280 This happens in your late 50s, Cathy. The nipple will become a dagger. 82 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,280 For goodness' sake! 83 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,640 I'm the last one down again. 84 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,440 Oh Sue! Hello, Sue. 85 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,560 Lazy boots. That's very summery. 86 00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,800 Are you off to vicars and tarts? 87 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:49,720 Sue and Vicar Arnaud have gone their 88 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:53,160 - separate ways, haven't you? - Since his conviction. 89 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:59,000 I think you'd better hand her over, Cathy. She's fine. No she's not. 90 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,800 She's whining. Jill, she's fine. 91 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,920 She's not. She's better with mumsy. 92 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,280 Come to mumsy. 93 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,360 Back with mumsy. 94 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,240 ENGINE STARTS 95 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,560 I've always - well, you know I've always had 96 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,240 a bit of a thing for you. 97 00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,760 Yes. 98 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,680 But Cath's my best friend. 99 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,520 I want to be inside you. 100 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:12,640 I've tried to fight it for years and make things work here, 101 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:18,080 but Cath's stale, she's like a safe old blanket. 102 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,360 Whereas that dress... 103 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,400 Just makes me want to bonk. 104 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,400 Sue, I want to be with her 105 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,000 so badly, 106 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:39,520 and fill her up until she explodes into tiny pieces. 107 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,160 I'm going today. 108 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,440 I'm going to sail on the 4 o'clock tide. 109 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,760 Where are you going? Spain. 110 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:52,440 I've hired a boat called Sue. 111 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,680 I'm... I'm just shocked. 112 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,520 I'll pray on it. 113 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,320 Don, I heard what you were saying. 114 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,880 Please don't tell Cath. I won't. 115 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,680 And Don, 116 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,680 I love tapas. 117 00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:38,240 You shut your face, you fat cow! 118 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,520 I've told the police everything, Jill. 119 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,000 Your time is nearly up. 120 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,160 - I'm armed, Jill. I'm armed. - I'm not afraid to use it. 121 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,840 Oh, Glen. Glen, come on. Come on, Glen. 122 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,640 You save it! Save it, Jill! 123 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,800 Come on, let's have a nice little chat over a Cornish pasty. 124 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,120 I'm hardly in the mood to chew the fat with you, Jill. 125 00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,840 It's mostly potato, Glen. 126 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,840 Get away, Jill! Your weasel words will cut no ice with me. 127 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,720 I've had it up to here with you, Jill. 128 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,320 And nothing you say will make me change my mind. 129 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,000 I'm pregnant with your child, Glen. 130 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,880 Oh God, how long? 11 months. 131 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,520 Oh Jilly. 132 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,640 How do I know you're telling me the truth? 133 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,320 - Everything all right, Jill? - Yeah, fine, yeah. How's you? 134 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,200 Yeah, fine. I just... 135 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,560 ..thought I saw a strange man lurking out here. 136 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:38,480 A sort of burnt Ken Dodd. Oh dear. 137 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,440 I think you should get some rest, Cath. Right. 138 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:43,960 OK. 139 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,680 I'm just off for a wax. 140 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,200 Right. 141 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,160 Glen, let's run away together. 142 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,400 Oh Jill, I'd love to. 143 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,680 You know I've always yearned to go on the booze cruise to Calais. 144 00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,240 We could start a new life together with Baby Bulb on the Dordogne. 145 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:07,080 It would be like Bergerac. We haven't got much time, Glen. 146 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,120 I need you to get some things for Baby. Of course - what do you need? 147 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,840 I need seasick tablets, a sailor's hat, Faberge sunglasses. 148 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,720 40 Rothmans and some bobbly condoms. 149 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:20,600 Jeez, Jill. I thought it would be, you know, nappies and bootees! 150 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,720 Babies have moved on, Glen. 151 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,000 Just a little problem, Jill. 152 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,440 I'm so sorry, but I don't have a cent to my name. 153 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,600 Well perhaps you'd have the common decency to mug someone, Glen. 154 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,760 Jill, anyone catches sight of me, I'll 155 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,640 be straight back into the slammer. 156 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,720 I'm a fugitive, Jill. 157 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,960 Just wish I looked like Harrison Ford. 158 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,760 You do, Glen. 159 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,160 With a little dash of Wurzel Gummidge. 160 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:48,600 We'd better get you a disguise. Something to help you blend in. 161 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:54,360 You have to perform an armed robbery, Glen. 162 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,400 - Jilly, I don't have the wherewithal. - I wouldn't know what to... 163 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,200 Well just to do your best! I'll see you later. 164 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,320 Don? 165 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,600 Hi, Sue! Hi. 166 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,800 How's you? Great. 167 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,800 - Looking very pretty. - Nice to see you. 168 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,240 Is that man... 169 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,160 over there... ..with you? 170 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:42,040 God, no! Jill! 171 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,880 That's... my brother. 172 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:49,200 Nelson. Just getting the drinks in. 173 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,960 I can't do it, Jill. 174 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:55,960 Can I just clasp your titty for reassurance? 175 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,280 Sit down, Nelson. 176 00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:01,320 This is Sue, Nelson, and Don. Hi. 177 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,120 Nelson. I'm from... Inverness. 178 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,880 Just come in off my ship. 179 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:12,240 My ship's come in. Hello, sailor! 180 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,840 Jolly tar! 181 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,920 Golly, you do frigs, do you? 182 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,280 No, I'm only on the big ships. 183 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,080 Big frigs. Cruise ships. 184 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:23,600 Frigging in the rigging. 185 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,880 You rig a boat? 186 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,080 No, no. He's a sailor, Sue. 187 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:35,760 Ooh! A little hungry, Jill. 188 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,840 Shall we order some nosh? OK. 189 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,760 I fancy a ploughman's. 190 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,040 - Get sucking on a big baguette. - Oh, Jill. 191 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,160 An escaped mental patient from 192 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:53,640 Bettle Lodge, a secure unit for the criminally insane, is still missing 193 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,800 and thought to be at large in Cornwall. 194 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:01,200 Glen Bulb is a male in his late 30s with a large mop of curly hair 195 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,720 and prominent teeth. 196 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,320 Hope we don't get to tackle him! 197 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,480 Glen Bulb. 198 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:14,880 That was Jill's fiance, who put Gordon in a coma. 199 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,400 Sorry, Sue! 200 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,400 Sorry! 201 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,080 Actually, it wasn't Glen Bulb that... 202 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,360 How's Cath? Fine. 203 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,800 But if that was Glen... 204 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,680 Is Cathy at the therapy centre at the moment, Don? With Jacques? 205 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,800 Jill... Why don't you go to the toilet, Nelson? 206 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,400 I don't need to go. 207 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,400 I can smell that you do. 208 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,920 Nelson has to wear a nappy, Don. 209 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:46,800 He's got a syndrome. Bad luck. 210 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,400 Could you assist him, please, Don, to the toilet? 211 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,640 Help him with his nappy? He won't bite. 212 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,920 Thank you. 213 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,000 Am I at large, Jill? 214 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,640 It's over here. 215 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,560 He's just heavied his pants. 216 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,120 You've had a hard life, Jill. 217 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:10,680 Bless you, Sue. 218 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:19,760 Don says you were listening to our conversation this morning. 219 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:23,000 Yes. THEY GIGGLE 220 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:28,280 I just feel I should tell Cath and come out with it. 221 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:31,440 Sue, I'd really rather you took your sour grapes elsewhere. 222 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,720 My grapes aren't sour, Jill. 223 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,080 - They're very sweet. - And really pointy! 224 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:43,120 You can't tell me you're not jealous about my upcoming bonkathon. 225 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,320 What you get up to with your brother is... 226 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,720 Me and Don. Don? 227 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:51,360 You and Don? 228 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:56,440 - Sue, he told you this morning? - Yes, he said how much in love he is with me 229 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:59,800 and how much he wants to be inside me. 230 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,160 He wants to be inside me, Sue. 231 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:08,240 Me. I heard him, going on about my dress, making him want to bonk. 232 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:12,200 He wants to be inside me and we're sailing to Spain at four this afternoon. 233 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,720 Don said the same to you?! 234 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,240 SHE CRIES 235 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,080 Where's Sue? Diarrhoea. 236 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,360 Sue. 237 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,920 Don. 238 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,640 Jill. 239 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,600 Jill, what the flip is going on? 240 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:12,600 Glen, this is such an amazing place, isn't it? Yes, it is. 241 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:16,960 - It really makes me work, Glen. - Yes. It is amazing actually. 242 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,400 Tectonic activity has folded... 243 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:22,480 - Let's have sex, Glen. - Jill, I'd love to. 244 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,120 A very tempting offer, Jill, but don't want to damage the wee one. 245 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,000 Don't put yourself down, Glen. 246 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,760 - I'd love to trust you, Jill. - I really would, but... 247 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,200 so many strange things have happened to us since we first met. 248 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,800 I need to learn to trust you all over again. 249 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,040 Don. 250 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:03,400 And there's also some evidence, you know, 251 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:07,920 to suggest that you might not be black. 252 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:13,440 - What evidence? Hey, let's... - Let's not get heavy. You know. 253 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:17,280 Um... We are just working with hunches here. 254 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,280 But... 255 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:24,320 someone claiming to be Floella Umgababe turned up. 256 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:28,920 She'll be from some look-a-likey agency, I shouldn't wonder, trying to cash in. 257 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:33,520 - Yeah. Um... - I'm also kind of concerned, 258 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:39,280 as a number one concern, that you haven't birthed at 11 months. 259 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:43,320 You are clearly conflicted about 260 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:48,440 - setting sale your uterine cargo. - Yeah? 261 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,480 Perhaps because... 262 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:55,080 you're black and you were raped. 263 00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,000 I would like some time alone with you. 264 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,520 SHE YELLS, PEOPLE CHANT 265 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,920 In more, Don. 266 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,160 Oh, I want to be... 267 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:22,000 - your dirty PUPPY! - Oh! Oh, monkey, yes! 268 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,560 Keep it in! 269 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,760 I just need to nip to the toilet. 270 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,640 Jill... Jill. 271 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,480 Jill! Open this bloody door. 272 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:07,320 - Jill! Glen, Glen, Glen. - I'm about to give birth! 273 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:11,360 Jill. I don't believe a word you say any more. I'm serious, Glen. 274 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:15,600 - I don't want you to see me like this! - Oh, Jill, you know I'd see you any which way. 275 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:20,240 Even if you split your tinkle and it had to be stitched up like an association football. 276 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,640 Oh, God, Glen. What is it? 277 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,160 Oh, my God. Jill, Jill. 278 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:29,280 WATER RUNS > It's my waters. What about them? They're breaking, Glen! 279 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,320 Jill, let me in. Let me help you. 280 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:36,440 Oh, God. Oh, my God, Glen. I can feel it. It's gonna happen. 281 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,360 Is that the fluid that's in the books? It's the amniotic sac. 282 00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:47,400 Oh, my God, the plug's come out. Oh, God. Oh, my God! 283 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,680 - What's this? Jill... - Jill, that's my curry. 284 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,760 - Jill... - Who's in there with you, Jill? 285 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:58,480 - It's my spirit guide. - Is he a Red Indian? 286 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,160 There's a wee bit of cauliflower out here. 287 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:04,200 My God, that's his ear. Maybe he's gonna be a rugby player. 288 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,600 There's all sorts out here. 289 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,320 There's a wee bit of potato. 290 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:12,360 - Glen, it's a bloodbath in here. - It's like a lamb bhoona out here. 291 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:17,160 - Jill, please just let me get hold of it. - I'll engage him in the canal or something. 292 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,520 WINDOW BANGS 293 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,960 Was that your cervix going? 294 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,280 He's bashing his head against... 295 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,480 You've got to be careful, the top of the head is very soft. 296 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,760 - A doctor told me once. - Oh, God, there's more, Glen. 297 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,320 Jill... Here's the afterbirth. 298 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:38,000 - Has he come out? Oh... - He's gone back up again. 299 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:42,320 - Oh, God, Jill, is your tinkle sore? - Let me help you. 300 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:46,960 - You did this to me, Glen. - I'm so sorry, Jill, I didn't know what I was doing. 301 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,880 Let me get my hand round his little head. Oh, God! 302 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,400 Jill, have you come? 303 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,160 I've heard some ladies can. 304 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:00,720 SHE MOANS Jill? 305 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:04,560 - I'm so sorry! Jill! - Jill, open up the door. 306 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,600 SHE SCREAMS 307 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:11,120 HE BANGS ON THE DOOR Jill! Jill! 308 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:14,960 - Jill, what's the matter? - Jill, open this door. 309 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:21,200 THEY MOAN 310 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,120 Jill... Jill. 311 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:39,440 - Hi, Cath. How's you? - Fine, fine. Good. 312 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:43,360 Oh, my goodness. Wow! Slim Jim. 313 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,200 Thank you. Yeah... 314 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,160 BABY GARGLES 315 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:55,480 - So what's in the basket? - Oh, just shopping. Oh, right. 316 00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,080 Just apples, tea towel... BABY CRIES 317 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:04,120 Pretty noisy apples you've got there. 318 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,600 They're organic. 319 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:10,280 They seem to be moving, Jill. 320 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:14,960 I went to the farmers' market actually, Cath, and bought a lamb. 321 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,560 A live lamb? 322 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:21,480 No, a dead one, but perhaps he wasn't... 323 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,320 properly slaughtered. BABY GARGLES 324 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:27,760 - Oh, right. Sad. - Can I have a quick look? 325 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,280 At my lamb? 326 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,560 Your little lamb peep. 327 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,400 Jill... 328 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:43,040 - Oh, Jill, it's a baby! Yeah. - THEY LAUGH 329 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,040 I gave birth. Oh... Bang! 330 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:51,840 Oh, Jill... Well done, you! 331 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,880 Thank you. 332 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:59,400 - Thank you, grandma. Yes. - Can I have a proper look now? 333 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:03,680 - Not a great idea to keep its head covered. - I don't want to be a fuss pot. 334 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:06,200 Oh, my God, it's Abigail! 335 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,720 - No, no! Please... - Can I have her back please? 336 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:12,760 I don't know where she is! You're holding on to her. This is Apricot. 337 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,320 No, it's Abigail. It's Apricot. 338 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,160 - No, Jill, it's Abigail. - It's Apricot. 339 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,120 Jill... 340 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:24,360 Please, I know my baby. Give her back. And I know my baby, Cathy! 341 00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:28,640 I have waited all of my life for this, even though I hate children. 342 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,160 Jill... 343 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,320 Give me my baby NOW! 344 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,280 - Look, it's a wig! - It's a silly clown's wig. 345 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,720 - Oh, my God! - You've pierced her ears. 346 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,240 She asked me to, Cath. 347 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:45,400 - Where is he?! Where is my son?! - Please don't say you've slain him. 348 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:49,680 What happened was... I did give birth earlier on, Cath. 349 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:54,280 I gave birth to what I prayed would be a she, 350 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,800 but turned out to be a he. 351 00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,280 And the fact is I just... 352 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,600 I didn't like him. 353 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,760 All right, that happens sometimes. 354 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,040 I know, but it's typical of my life, Cath. 355 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:14,200 - Jill, plenty of people don't bond with their babies straight away. - But I hated that little bastard. 356 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:19,360 I didn't like anything about him. I didn't like his face, his hair, the way he looked at me! 357 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:23,200 What do you mean, the way he looked at you? Little bit smug. 358 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:27,360 Looking over my shoulder - is there somebody better over there? 359 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,200 Jill, they can barely focus at that age. 360 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,560 No, Cathy... He knew what he was doing. 361 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:37,440 Look, I think maybe you're suffering from post-natal depression. 362 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,800 Cath, I'm suicidal since I've seen him. 363 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,720 Jill, where is my son?! 364 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:48,720 "Jolene" by Dolly Parton 365 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,640 366 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,880 367 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,440 please don't take my man... 368 00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:05,200 SHE PANTS 369 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:10,120 Jolene, Jolene 370 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:15,240 just because you can... 371 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,200 - Sorry. Can I just...? - Thank you. Sorry. 372 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,960 She's vanished! Jill! 373 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:25,080 Here he is! 374 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,520 This is Apricot. He was just hiding. 375 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:30,600 Jill, why did you leave him here? 376 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,120 He was just having a bit of me time, Cath. 377 00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:38,320 He's so still. I know. This is what I mean about him! He don't make much effort. 378 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,160 Let us see him, Jill. 379 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,960 I would, but he's wearing a mask. 380 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,880 - A mask? - Just to keep his features in place. 381 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,200 They were very loose when he was first born. 382 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:53,960 - What's wrong with him? He's... - He's a little bit deformed, Cathy. 383 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:57,200 Oh... I still love him. 384 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,640 Of course, of course, let me see him. May I? 385 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,520 Jill, I can't see him! Oh... 386 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:10,640 They always say the first one looks like Daddy. 387 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:14,920 Please, may I? 388 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:23,920 He must've stolen it, Cath. That would be just like him! 389 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:28,640 - Jill... - There's nothing else there. 390 00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:32,280 SIREN BLARES, MUSIC: "Jolene" by Dolly Parton 391 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:41,840 but I could never love again 392 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:46,040 for me, Jolene... 393 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,760 Keep it in. 394 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:00,400 CRASH! 395 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:03,840 "Lacrimosa" from Mozart's Requiem 396 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,480 THEY SCREAM